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Projectile Parenting

 In all honesty, I'm not entirely happy with Thunkable and the help I received on the app anymore. Every day I was so impatient because I felt like the longer it took for me to get this all finished, the lesser chance I had for it to become popular and successful, and ultimately just stay... up.  

 I realize that this hellbent desire for Rukus to become some famously known app or super successful isn't because that's what I really want. There are things I think I want. A job. My partner to work less hours. Haircuts. Personal time. Travel. 

 During this sound update journey, I got free sounds from a uke player who happens to be a developer. He understands the vision and the importance of free resources of musicians, as he built an entire community for uke players. His wife is a developer too, how friggin cool is that!? He would finish the job for as much as a single year of subscribing to Thunkable. It's a no brainer, but my thought loop was that I'd lose autonomy over the app.

 In my desperate attempt to regain "control" while also expanding, I sought help from Fiverr. Sent him a list, he agreed to it, Fiverr said 6 days. 

 It took over a month.

 On top of other things, the trouble of all of that just made me realize a couple of things. 

 1. I don't want to take the app down. I don't care if it makes me a ton of money, if it gets famous, whatever. It is a safe container for me to create. I created it during one of the most important phases of my life, and it holds that connection for me. I'm emotionally attached. Yikes.

 2. When I want something to grow, then I need to let go in some way. There's no shortcut. I can't sit here and play pretend developer forever because that's not my passion. Some things I simply cannot do on my own.

 3. There is value in something existing, just by existing at all. I believe this app exists to do good, and it doesn't matter for how many people it does good for. 

I've deleted about 6 different versions of how to end this entry, which feels a little silly, but anything entirely human does anyway. But the crux of it is this: I believe in this app from a place deep down but unfortunately that triggers a lot of trauma. Maybe the real reason I created this app is so that gets all the first-kid trauma and that my daughter doesn't. I have a lot to learn.

Thanks for listening, void. 

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